to get my life back on track is not what i have right now. What I have right now is heaps of time with my own thoughts, time to piece together every signle event that has taken place and try to make some sense out of it. Time to overcome my grief and convince myself that life is still in fact worth living, contrary to my current belief that at the end of the day it doesn't add up, and life isn't worht the effort. Time to take things slowly, to heal before i don my aromour once again to face the world. I don't need this time.
What i do need is a dive right back into how my life used to be. Deadlines, the pressure of having to perform, the rushing, the 6 hours of sleep a day. I don't want all this time that I have. Judging by where I am right now, I should be immersing myself in prayer, leaving all my fears and worries at the feet of God and convincing myself that He will take care of everything, that he will make it all okay.
The problem here would be the fact that I don't know where I've left my faith. 10 weeks of hoping that He will shower his grace, that He won't let us down brought me this: close to 30 days of grief, close to 30 days of unfathomable grief and quite possibly a lifetime of unanswered questions and an insatiable sense of longing.
We've had our faith come to us easy. We've never had our faith tested as it is being tested now. A side of me knows that to blame God would be useless, and thus I choose not to blame him. Cancer is a blameless crime, in most cases at least. But what if your father never smoked once in his life but had to die of lung cancer? Isn't there anyone to blame? Shoudln't He give me the answers I seek? Is there any way that i will EVER make sense of this? I seek, and yet I do not find.
What I need is not something to believe in. What I need is not the time to develop my belief in something either. What i need, is to get back to the wheel, and wrest myself into living life again.
For the first time in my life, I'm afraid.